Fear.

Fear. That’s a mighty big word with A LOT of power. Way back when, back in the dark, dark days of my life, I had a lot of fear. I was in a horrible relationship that was mentally and physically abusive. I was afraid to leave because that would mean I failed at “making him love me” and I was afraid plenty of times that I was going to die. Then I had an “a-ha” moment. I was watching the movie “Defending Your Life”. Two people with no connection to each other whatsoever, die at the same time. They are going before God or a higher-power, it’s never really said, to basically defend their life and prove that they are worthy of moving on to the next level or if they need to go back to earth and prove themselves with more good deeds. They sit and watch a movie of their life and all the major things that have happened to them and explain why they did or didn’t do something. The woman, played by Meryl Streep (LOVE her), didn’t think twice about doing anything. She ran back into her burning house to save her kittens, she always asked for what she deserved, etc. The man, Albert Brooks, was always afraid. Never stood up for himself or what he believed in. For some reason, this really resonated with me. What the hell was I doing sitting around doing nothing for myself? Screw this! I said “screw you” and left. I packed up my stuff, moved back home to El Paso for a short time and then headed to Austin. I swore after that, I would never left fear rule any part of me again. That was before I discovered CrossFit. No lie.

I was pretty much fear-free for about 14 years. It was a good run. I mean, I had some apprehensions about things but never flat out, heart racing, stomach in knots fear. I remember my first training session with my coach. I was freaking out. I thought I was going to pass out at one point. I was texting my friend Kerri and she was giving me moral support via text messages. I kept telling myself over and over throughout the workout, “I can do this. I can do this.” I made it through the workout and I didn’t die. Almost threw up a couple of times but didn’t pass out or die. This is when I decided that fear could be a good thing. I want to be a little afraid of each workout I do. Those butterflies in my stomach and when my heart is racing tells me that I’m about to do something amazing. I tell my clients that I want them to come to each session and each boot camp feeling just a little nervous about what is going to happen. They come in with butterflies and leave with a huge sense of accomplishment. That is the beauty of CrossFit – it prepares you for the unexpected.

I put myself on a 5 day on 2 day off training schedule to push myself to the next level. I missed yesterday’s workout because I felt horrible so I felt I needed to make up for it today. Meet Angie. There are a number of workouts known as “the girls”. These benchmark workouts were originally named after hurricanes. Greg Glassman, the founder of CrossFit said, “I thought that anything that left you flat on your back, looking up at the sky asking ‘what just happened to me?’ deserved a female’s name. Workouts are just like storms, they wreak havoc on towns.” Angie is 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups and 100 squats for time. My arms were still screaming from my workout on Monday so I modified but I was determined to do this workout. I did jumping pull-ups and knee push-ups. After I decided yesterday that I was going to do this workout, I worried about it last night and all day today until I did it. I even had a dream about doing a WOD. I was just a little afraid. I set a goal to do it in 20 minutes or less and I missed it by 3 minutes. My time was 23:03. I’m totally cool with that because I conquered my fear and did it!

Fear is now my motivator. BRING IT.

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